more and more..

now that i'm alone, alone in the sense, that i know i do not have someone i can treat mine.. i'm alone because i don't have any source of problems aside from myself. i'm alone that i know i can do it own my own-not expecting somebody to help me all throughout. im alone that i know i can treat myself to all the things that i want to do, all the words that i can say. im alone wherein i can explore the world around me without any guilt or conscience because im attached , im free. im alone because i can now stand on my own, that i thought i cant.

im alone and happy. im not committed and hurt.
im alone and blessed.
im alone and loved.

no commitments. no hassles. more fun. more challenges. more experiences. more lovers. more boys. more time. more dates. more food. more calories. more fat. :)

mabuti nang walang

mabuti nang walang tulog kaysa walang gising...

-physically yan ang gusto ko kasi almost 30hours na akong gising. dahil binubno ko ang sarili kong thesis. naging kampante kasi ako sa simula kaya eto nangangarag ako ng todo pero challenging isnt it? 3day thesis oh yeah...

-okay na walang tulog basta productive at masaya ka sa mga pinagpupuyatan mo. masarap a mo ang pakiramdam na nakikita mo yung bunga ng pinaghihirapan mo. masaya rin ang mga panahon na nagpupuyat ka kasa ng mga kaibigan mo na "wala lang" tambang tambay, tamang yosi, tamang kwentuhan,sapat na yun.. yung tipong magheHELLO si tita sunshine.. :)


mabuti nang walang gising-

- oo.. yan ang naiisip ko mabuti pa na hindi na lang ako magising. madaming araw at sunod sunod na gigising ako na tutulo na lamang yung luha ko. yung parang magugulat ka na lang na "Ah. totoo pala. akalain mo kala ko masamang panginip lang"

-siguro gusto ko lang tumakas sa sakit. ang tagal na ng pagdurusa ko, na minsan inakala ko tapos at nalagpasan ko na pero bakit ganun paulit-ulit..



KANINA:
-naranasan ko na naman yung umiyak ng walang humpay.

eksena: sa dapitan,habang tumatawid nangigilid na luha ko,pero mukha naman akong ulol kung iiayak akong naglalakad sa campus sa itsura kong sabog na wala pang tulog at bitbit ang bag na malaki na mabigat dahil sa laptop at mga libro.

dapat magpupunta ako sa thesis adviser ko pero di ko na kaya madilim na paligid ko at sasabog na puso ko. punta ako sa org ko, buti nandun sila. hindi ko na napigilan, hindi ko na kaya. sobrang sumisigaw na puso ko.. uimyak ng walang humpay. hanggang sa namaga ang mga mata.

paguwe ko yosi yosi at yosi. paghiga ko sa kama, tumulo na naman siya. walang humpay halos hindi ko na mabasa yung mga text messages dahil puno ng luha mga mata ko. hindi ko na malaman kung bakit ako umiiyak..

may sandali na pinigil na umiyak wlang emosyon kung hindi ay ang patuloy na pag-agos ng luha hanggang sa ako ay napikit at nakapagpahinga..


naulit lang..

pagkagising ko, iyak na naman.. habang naglalakad para kumain kahit hindi ako gutom dahil kailangan lang, habang sumusubo ako ng pagkain, iyak na naman..

iyak na lang nang iyak...

wala na akong maramdaman kung hindi hapdi na lang ng aking mga mata..

when the last tear drops fall

WHEN THE LAST

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holdin' on
And all that you can do is cry
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone

When the last tear drop falls
I'll still be holdin' on to all of our memories
And all of what used to be

When the last tear drop falls
I will stand tall
And know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last tear drop falls

So now I'm alone and life keeps movin' on
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight
It would be to have you right back by my sid

quo vadis?

saan papatungo?

nasa situwasyon ako ng pagmumuni muni sa aking buhay, ilang linggo na lang (at sana,god's will) makukuha ko na ang aking diploma sa kolehiya, apat na taon akong naghanda para gawin ko siyang sandata sa aking kinabukasan, pero sa papaanong paraan?

madami akong plano sa buhay pero hindi ko alam kung paano sila makakamit..

hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang aking susunod na hakbang sa aking buhay, marami akong naiisip pero marami rin ang mga dapat isaalang-alang...

hay... ano nga ba?

pero sa ngayon, gusto ko munang buuin ang sarili ko... ilagay sa tama ang nawasak, at hilumin ang mga sugat..

KATATAGAN NG LOOB AT PAGTITIWALA NA BUKAS AKIN DIN ANG HULING HALAKHAK..

masukista..

habang tintype ko ang akda na ito, tumutulo luha ko. nagdudugo puso ko. sumasakit ulo ko.

bakit ganun kung kelan ako naging malakas ,kung kailan ko nabuo sarili ko, bakit nakayanan ko na yung sakit nang nakaraan?

BAKIT NAULIT NA,MAS MASAKIT PA..

hindi ko naman na kailangan marinig yung mga salita na yun e, alam ko na yun hindi ko na kailangan pang marinig...

siguro nga oo CLOSURE... hay nakayanan ko na toh, nasa ikatlong buwan na ako ng paghilom ng sugat.. alam ko makakayanan ko ito..


alam ko na mas masaya ang naghihintay para sa akin..


inaamin ko nagpaMASUKISTA ako, masarap naman e. at alam ko na mas nakakuha ako ng aral...


MASAKIT PA RIN HANGGANG NGAYON, pero darating ang araw liliwanag na muli ang mundo ko..

masakit masakit masakit...

... ??? ...

ang bigat ng loob ko ngayon?

hindi ko mapaliwanag...

pero parang ang lungkot.. :(

hindi ko alam kung bakit...

hindi ko masimulan ag dapat kong gawin...

ano na naman ba ito? o ano na ito?


tapos nakareceive pa ako ng ganito mensahe :
love changed me; the way i think. the way i act. the way i decide.
sometimes, i even go against my principles and beliefs in life..
loving doesnt mean i will be happy always...
sometimes, all it provides me is pain and misery..
Yet, i was blinded by strong emotions that i failed to see reality;
sometimes letting go is the answer...
it hurts like hell, but i will soon realize that its better to suffer the pain
and see the person i love to be happy...

then background music:
WALK AWAY...

I saw you with your new girl just yesterday
and I feel that I must confess
even though it kills me to have to say
ill admit that I was impressed
is it calling just showed up affection
gotta commend you on your selection
though I know I shouldnt be concerned
in the back of my mind I cant help but question

does she rub your feet (when you've had a long day)
scratch your scalp (when you take out your braids)
does she know that you (like to play ps2 till 6 in the morning like I do)

[chorus]
I cant explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
and even though we've moved on
it gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
walk away, walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
walk away
(i cant forget it how we use to be)

[verse 2]
I guess I gotta live my life from day to day
hoping maybe you'll come back
and though I tell myself not to be afraid
to move on but it seems I cant
no other man has given me attention
it aint the same as your affection
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ] 
though I know I should be content
in the back of my mind I cant help but question

does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play)
show on my doorstep (with a bouquet)
does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say)
baby I love you (like you used too)

STATUS NG BUHAY :)

*** Only you know what you need to be happy, but before you can be happy with someone else, you need to be happy with yourself. Singlehood seems like an unalterable state - an eternal condition destined to bring unfulfillment. But, it doesn't have to be that way.

***Singlehood is a time to grow, try new things and explore what life has to offer. Now's the perfect time to follow the Yellow Brick Road in pursuit of your dreams. It's a lot more gratifying than pounding the pavement incessantly in search of the perfect relationship.

***Singlehood is the time to develop the craving, the absolute burning desire to give. This is where the pain of being single comes from. Developing an awareness of this need to give, and not having the fullest opportunity to express it.

***Woman are given more of a mandate than men to be partners with someone. Being a good female in this society means you're connected -- be it with girlfriends, boyfriends, family, etc. Men are encouraged not to be dependent, and sometimes it isn't until a career is established that they become more aware of their need to be connected."

***63 % slut
Your above score was normalized against the average, so don't even TRY to disagree with us. Science is certain, and so are we: you are absolutely 63% Slutty.


***Exotic bad-ass,turns me on..
You scored 70% masculine, 58% athletic, 63% exotic, and 31% refined! You want everything in a man at the same time! Masculine, built like a Greek god, exotic and mysterious and even some bad-ass in there too. I think you would really like Freddy Ljungberg, the Swedish soccer player. He's the guy on the right. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys.

***i'll find my next boyfriend within three weeks

ou're out enough to meet plenty of guys
And it shows, because a few are interested in you
Even if you haven't meet the right guy yet
He's standing just around the corner

***i am 61% Bitchy
While you may not think of yourself as the ice queen, admit it, you're often in a bad mood.
And it's those around you who often bear the brunt of your annoyance, even if they haven't done anything wrong!

*** I May Drink Too Much
You have a little drinking problem on your hands - and you definitely should scale back.
And if scaling back doesn't seem possible, you may need some professional help!

*** Guys Think I am Easy to Be With... But Not Easy
And you're crafty enough to get away with it!
But you probably wouldn't cheat...
(Unless the relationship was pretty much over)

*** I Don't Need a Man, but I Want One!
You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single.
You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. you rather be alone.
However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating.
Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around.

***

isang mainit na pagsalubong sa 2007!

halos buong buwan ng disyembre ako hindi nakapagsulat. marahil sa panahong iyon, patuloy kong nililimot ang nakaraan. naging abala ako sa ibang bagay na alam kong hindi makakapagpaalala sa kanya.

naging masaya ang aking Disyembre, kahit na alam ko sa likod ng aking isip at sinigaw ng puso ko ay ang mga magagandang alala noong nakaraang dalawang taon.

life must go on. and it offers me a brighter one.. :)

paalam at salamat 2006, talagang naging makulat ang makulay ang panahon na iyan para sa akin..

iyak.. luha.. tawa.. pighati.. at saya...

at lahat ng iyan ay bahagi kung ano ako ngayon.. salamat sa aral at karanasan...

***************************************************************

2007...

alam ko at gusto ko maraming bago sa taong ito dahil bagong taon, bagong karanasan, bagong aral at mas pinabuting katauhan ang aking hangad...

* sa pagpasok ng taong ito, marami na agad ang bumungad... una na riyan ay ang nalalapit na pagtatapos ko sa kolehiyo, nakakatakot, nakakababa, nakakapagod, nakakapressure, at siympre nakakachallenge... katulad sa oras na ito, halos 4 na oras na akong nasa harap ng laptop, kung anu-ano ang ginagwa imbis na mag-aral at gawin ang aking thesis. pero naisip ko naman na maghapon ko ng inalayan ng oras yun, gusto ko naman magpahinga....

* nakakadama na rin ako ng takot para sa aking haharapin pagkatapos ko sa aking pag-aaral. marami akong naiisip pero ni isa wala akong kunkretong pagpapasya..pero pangunahin sa lahat, gusto ko ulit mag-aral, marahil MA..pero wala pa ring partikular... mahirap pero may panahon para diyan...

sa ngayon, iyan pa lang muna...

cheers sa 2007..